amandawritesablog

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I love my coworkers…

They always make me feel better about my life and seem to give the best advice. Like today, when I purchased $20 worth of yoga magazines because my roommate and I have “talked” about  giving it a try; just like we have also “talked” about trying Zumba and making efforts to go to the gym (granted the last one has occurred a few times, however we are still intimidated by people who legitimately go to the gym.) Regardless, I figured embracing myself in the literature would greatly help and somehow encourage me to go give yoga a try…. but I’ll get to that later.

On my way out, I stopped to talk to Sheila, the security guard whom I love and is like a second mother to me. She noticed the large stack of magazines in my hands and I explained to her how I just haven’t been terribly happy with myself lately and how I just need to get my life back together. She smiled and suggested yoga, because she and her daughters loved it, but she also said something that made me think. Sheila knew I was going to India for a few weeks, she knew I’d be going to San Diego for Chris over break, and she knows about West Virginia. She reminded me how I’d done a lot of awesome things in 2012 and that I’ll be doing a lot of cool things in 2013. I might not be happy with myself, but my heart has always in the right place in actions. So how do I get my head and my heart in the same place?

As for that, well I will be working on that overtime, and the best time to start is now!

 

Sometimes I don’t know what I’m doing

And that scares me. Sometimes I wonder if any of it is worth it at all? School. Work. Socializing. I mean, at the end of the day, what’s the point?

Looking at that, it sounds so depressing. And I’m not, but I guess I’m just a little stressed, even if it is only 3 weeks into the semester. I guess just thinking about what lies ahead within these next few months intimidates me. If someone asked me if I was ready right now, I’d freak out. I know I’m being overly emotional, but I all too frequently get caught up in my own thoughts. The world inside my head is not terribly pretty.

In class we talked about how Catholics can’t really stand to be silent. I don’t do silence. At all. I think because it scares me. Not really, but it gives me too much time to think and when I get too into a conversation, I cry, and I am not a pretty crier. But the more I think about silence, the more I want to invest in it. I think a silent retreat would be interesting. I wonder if I could do it at all. Seriously, sometimes I just need to shut the hell up. 

The idea of a silent retreat sounds nice enough for me to call it a night. Maybe I’ll google it and look for one. Hopefully soon. Isn’t it interesting that through my silence, I bet I’ll find my voice?

With hopes!

Clean in 13!

So I haven’t blogged in almost a year now. Things are relatively the same, but I screwed up in some ways. I don’t know that I can honestly explain what I was going through the past six months, and I don’t regret it, but it did teach me a lesson that I needed to learn. To sum up my past few months, there was a guy who I shouldn’t have seen, but did, a failed research class, and a loss in healthy relationships with my family and faith. It occurred to me that my life isn’t where it should be; I haven’t been a good person, and I don’t like who I am now.

For the record, I never take care of myself. I have always everyone before myself, and that in itself is probably my biggest problem. I don’t take enough time for myself and I really need to. I am learning to be a little selfish- in appropriate ways of course. This is my Clean in 13 initiative (which makes me sound like a drug addict trying to get clean, but hey, it rhymes!) I want to be happy with myself again, though if I really think about it, I’m not sure that I ever really was. I’m starting to eat better, I worked out today, and I’m making more of an effort to keep in touch with loved ones. I’m making more efforts to be eco friendly too, and I think I’m just trying to be a better person all in all. I wanna get to a point of being happy and proud of myself; I want to love myself, because I honestly don’t think that I’ve ever really liked myself.

So this is also part of my Clean in 13 initiative, to blog more. Ideally at least once a week. I want to completely ace this semester and I want stable, healthy relationships. And I guess in some ways I want to be a bit more selfish- but for the better! I’m not sure what this year has in store of course, but I noticed the other morning that I am constantly growing. I question everything, even myself sometimes and not out of doubt, but out of curiosity. I want to better myself and I hope I never reach a standstill where I just stop questioning me and my surroundings. I don’t want to ever grow too comfortable, I wanna be adaptable, yet still know where I stand. Is any of this possible? I certainly hope so. I hope that I will always learn and grow and I pray that I never let anyone be my kryptonite. I am my own worst enemy, and I don’t need anyone else to try to bring me down.  Essentially I  want to see if I can become my own best friend… we’ll have to see!

Clean in 13!

I want a sandwich. And my birthday is in 3 days

Not that I want a sandwich for my birthday, I would like one now….

Now that I’ve had my sandwich, I am much more content and I’m actually a bit tired now. Does grape jelly expire? I hope not…

Anyways, since my birthday is coming up in a few days, I’ve found myself wondering what I’m going to do with the rest of my life. I know that’s a bit ridiculous, but it has been a constant fear this past week. In my mind, my only focus is being able to provide for my family, that is, the family I don’t have yet. But I already know that there are some things that I want for them. I want them to live in a nice are, and a good home. I want my kids to go to Catholic school. I want a circle driveway and a large backyard for my kids to play around in. I don’t want anything terribly fancy, cause I don’t really need it, I just really want a sense of security but I worry how I will get it. I ran into Caroline today, and she talked me through my worries, basically telling me that these feelings were normal and I had every right to be concern. But I’m not even 20 yet. I shouldn’t be dead set worried about these things now. I also have to remind myself that I can’t try to plan my life. No matter how much I would like to think that my life is my own, it isn’t. I am a child of God and I have to remind myself that He will lead me where I am supposed to be, doing whatever I’m supposed to be doing, at the right time.

I think I have an attention disorder…

Or not, as Kelly just pointed out, seeing as how it is extremely over-diagnosed  But I think I do have issues with paying attention to stuff. And silence. I don’t do silence. At all.

Even now, I should be working on an actual blog that is homework and stuff. But no. I’m writing a blog for no reason. I guess mostly to vent and avoid my homework…. and I have the strangest craving for macaroni.

I think the only thing that’s getting me through this week is seeing the Dirty River Boys on Friday. Yes. It’s been like 3 months. I can’t wait to see them, and at Gruene, how I love Gruene! Yup. Ok now I think I’ll work on my stuff.

IHOP International Husband Option Place

I have to say that I love my friends. They are the funniest people ever. We are all so very different, but also very similar. We all have secrets we share, it’s basically like a constant sleepover all the time. There’s always a SVU marathon, and we constantly share food and gossip. We make up our own words, run around like crazy kids, I’m sure our downstairs neighbors must hate us. We spend too much time at Cabo Bob’s and Chik-fil-a, however our favorite late night hang out however is IHOP.  Angela is our favorite waitress there, she treats us as if we’re the best, and I love her for that. She jokes with us and puts up with our long waiting periods of us being unsure what we’re going to eat. I swear some of the greatest things that we say often occur here. These are relationships that I want to last forever. And years now when you’re the first of us to have a baby with a brilliant and impressive man, I want to be there so your future baby can call me Auntie Amanda…

Hey There

I’m writing a blog. This is all Allison’s fault. She’s the one that suggested I do this. It’s not like I really have anything terribly interesting to say. But whatever. I was supposed to start this blog for a class on Hispanic Catholicism, however I haven’t really jumped on that yet.  We’re sitting in my room watching Baby Mama with 4 other girls. This is totally normal and happens all the time. It makes for good bonding. We joke that we’re all 1 person anyways. I think that’s because we can all relate to each other in different ways. I really lucked out in roommates and what not. I’m still not so sure about how well this blog thing is going to work, but I guess I’m willing to give it a try. This one is for you Allison, and all my interesting (not) opinions.

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