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Archive for the month “January, 2013”

Sometimes I don’t know what I’m doing

And that scares me. Sometimes I wonder if any of it is worth it at all? School. Work. Socializing. I mean, at the end of the day, what’s the point?

Looking at that, it sounds so depressing. And I’m not, but I guess I’m just a little stressed, even if it is only 3 weeks into the semester. I guess just thinking about what lies ahead within these next few months intimidates me. If someone asked me if I was ready right now, I’d freak out. I know I’m being overly emotional, but I all too frequently get caught up in my own thoughts. The world inside my head is not terribly pretty.

In class we talked about how Catholics can’t really stand to be silent. I don’t do silence. At all. I think because it scares me. Not really, but it gives me too much time to think and when I get too into a conversation, I cry, and I am not a pretty crier. But the more I think about silence, the more I want to invest in it. I think a silent retreat would be interesting. I wonder if I could do it at all. Seriously, sometimes I just need to shut the hell up. 

The idea of a silent retreat sounds nice enough for me to call it a night. Maybe I’ll google it and look for one. Hopefully soon. Isn’t it interesting that through my silence, I bet I’ll find my voice?

With hopes!

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Clean in 13!

So I haven’t blogged in almost a year now. Things are relatively the same, but I screwed up in some ways. I don’t know that I can honestly explain what I was going through the past six months, and I don’t regret it, but it did teach me a lesson that I needed to learn. To sum up my past few months, there was a guy who I shouldn’t have seen, but did, a failed research class, and a loss in healthy relationships with my family and faith. It occurred to me that my life isn’t where it should be; I haven’t been a good person, and I don’t like who I am now.

For the record, I never take care of myself. I have always everyone before myself, and that in itself is probably my biggest problem. I don’t take enough time for myself and I really need to. I am learning to be a little selfish- in appropriate ways of course. This is my Clean in 13 initiative (which makes me sound like a drug addict trying to get clean, but hey, it rhymes!) I want to be happy with myself again, though if I really think about it, I’m not sure that I ever really was. I’m starting to eat better, I worked out today, and I’m making more of an effort to keep in touch with loved ones. I’m making more efforts to be eco friendly too, and I think I’m just trying to be a better person all in all. I wanna get to a point of being happy and proud of myself; I want to love myself, because I honestly don’t think that I’ve ever really liked myself.

So this is also part of my Clean in 13 initiative, to blog more. Ideally at least once a week. I want to completely ace this semester and I want stable, healthy relationships. And I guess in some ways I want to be a bit more selfish- but for the better! I’m not sure what this year has in store of course, but I noticed the other morning that I am constantly growing. I question everything, even myself sometimes and not out of doubt, but out of curiosity. I want to better myself and I hope I never reach a standstill where I just stop questioning me and my surroundings. I don’t want to ever grow too comfortable, I wanna be adaptable, yet still know where I stand. Is any of this possible? I certainly hope so. I hope that I will always learn and grow and I pray that I never let anyone be my kryptonite. I am my own worst enemy, and I don’t need anyone else to try to bring me down.  Essentially I  want to see if I can become my own best friend… we’ll have to see!

Clean in 13!

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